dolensia

title: dolensia
summary: 'cause you love true and you love easy, and I... I can only love hard. —macao/cana/bacchus. for Laura.

dolensia

.
.

it's never been an easy thing for me to see how it goes, to play by ear, to let it be
—and it's never been an easy thing to do, 'cause if i'm honest,
there's no one alive who's earned my loving more than you.

.
"I just..." He raised a steady hand to cover his face, sighing deeply into his palm before pressing his fingers so hard to his brow they turned white. "I need space. We need space. 'Cause this, whatever the hell it is, isn't— it isn't working."
Cana curled her fingers into a tight fist by her side. Her throat felt too dry for speech, so her lips thinned into a terse line and she said nothing.
He continued, "I know I said I'd give it a try, Cana, but I can't. I'm sorry, but it's just not..."
He exhaled shakily. She met his gaze unflinchingly when he looked down at her, remaining silent.
"It's not... Sorry, Cana. This needs to stop."
She felt her lower lip begin to tremble, but quickly took a deep breath to disguise it. Relaxing her hands to rest on her hips suggestively, she let a slow, lazy smile curl her lips. "I don't think you mean that."
But of course he did. She knew he did. But she needed to show him it didn't affect her, so she leaned forward a little to give him a view of her cleavage, reminding him that she wasn't just a little girl anymore.
"I do," Macao said, his gaze not faltering from hers.
Damn it.
She let her smile widen into a lascivious smirk. "Are you quite sure? I was under the impression," she purred, closing the distance between them, "that you were having fun, Macao. It doesn't have to stop."
When she pressed her body against his, he sighed quietly before taking a step back. His warm hands gently gripped her shoulders, keeping her at arm's length. "It's not about fun, Cana."
"Oh? Because I'm not gonna lie, I was having lots of fun learning everything you had to teach me—"
"Enough," he said, a light smile hiding behind his lips. "Don't talk about that."
"Why not? Is it because you don't really want to stop, and you're just doing this to seem coy? I didn't peg you for that kind of guy, Macao. But," she trailed a finger up his chest tauntingly, "it's not so bad once in a while."
He smiled that fucking smile he always adopted when she teased him, as if he was indulging her. "Nothing like that."
She bit her lip, frustrated. What was he playing at? "Then what? You've had enough of playing with me, is that it? "
"Cana—"
"We fucked on enough guild tables, and you've gotten it out of your system now? What, the old man had enough fun with the 'little girl', huh?"
"No, that's not—"
"Because I know you're a real pervert at heart, but I didn't think you would go so far as to start using your guildmates. Is that really what I am to you? An anywhere-anytime fuck buddy?"
"Of course not!"
"Well, that's what it looks like!" She burst out, biting her lip and hating the fact that she was acting like a little kid. But she couldn't fucking help it. It took her years to get here, so why the hell was he acting like—... like he expected this to happen? "I-I told you I was..."
She was serious, damn it.
His eyes held nothing but kindness and understanding, and she hated it. "I know you wanted it to work out, but did you really think it would last between us? Neither of us are really the stuff of relationships, you know? And you're only eighteen, Cana. You can't let me hold you back forever, can you?"
Her silence spoke for her, but Cana doubted he could hear what it was screaming. He took one of her hands into his, rubbing slow circles into her wrist. "Of course I care for you; I've watched over you since you were six, for crying out loud. How could I not love you?"
But not like I love you. You didn't even give me a chance to prove it to you, you asshole.
And the way he was looking at her... Not like she was a woman at all. Just like she was a little girl, someone he had to look out for, someone he had to protect. "And being with you was nice, it really was... But we're not meant to be that way, you know? I can feel it. You know it, too. We're best at being friends. And you must know that you really are a very, very important friend to me. Always will be."
His smile was gentle.
Gentle.
As if she needed any of that
She took back her hand, waving it in the space between them dismissively. "Well, okay. If you insist." The grin was back in place, taking over her expression. "I'll miss the nights, but I'll take what I can get, I guess. But it is a shame; our bodies were really compatible, don't you think?"
When Macao just rolled his eyes, Cana laughed loudly, turning and flipping her hair carelessly. "I'll see you at the guild then. It definitely was fun. A good way to pass the nights where the guild was out of beer, right?"
"Jeez, you could at least pretend to care a bit more. I am sorry, you know."
But Macao was laughing now, and it just spurred her on. "And some of the things you showed me— woah! Did not expect that from an old guy like you, seriously." She looked back to see him rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, shaking his head at the ground, and smirked. "Really. Don't let this make things awkward. We just had to get rid of the undeniable sexual tension, right?"
He scoffed. "You're heartless, you know that?"
She winked at him before turning around to walk away. "Thank you," she grinned slyly, blowing him a kiss.
Thanks for nothing, you miserable bastard.
She didn't go back to Fairy Hills like she wanted to. No, she stuck it out at the guild the whole evening, drinking and laughing and pretending.
After all, she wasn't a little fucking girl, was she?
.

i was praying that you and me might end up together 

— but it's like wishing for rain as i stand in the desert.

.
.
.
.
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Bacchus doesn't think Cana is a little girl.
She hates him, of course. He's a perverted asshole who can out-drink her, and he left her passed out and topless on the floor the night he met her, and he suggested a threesome involving Mirajane and her younger sister on national television— but that's all just character, isn't it? And she can hardly blame him for that. He was just being funny, after all.
And so what if he's an arrogant prick all the time? If he's powerful enough to give Elfman — Elfman, who trained harder than she'd seen anyone train for three long months — a serious run for his money, surely he has the right to be?
And admittedly, his heavy-lidded appraisal of her when he strolled into their inn left her thinking that he was kind of sexy... in a weird, drunk-all-the-time, disgustingly-lascivious, careless-idiot, heartless-bastard kind of way.
When he glances at her over the top of a shot glass, his eyes aren't kind or understanding in the slightest. And there isn't one gentle thing about him as he challenges her with nothing but a wicked grin to knock back another round.
When she comes to, she sees evidence of the havoc he wreaked on the inn's floor, so she teases Wakaba and Macao that they were taken out by a semi-conscious alcoholic. And she's pleased to note that Macao... Well, he hates Bacchus. That may have something to do with wounded pride, but a girl can dream, so she makes a point to seek the drunkard out.
When his eye catches hers across the crowded room of his own guild's inn, he doesn't hesitate to throw her a suggestive smirk. She bites her lips before crossing her arms challengingly and gesturing to him with her chin to join her, and his gaze doesn't leave her body as he lopes across the room to drag her outside.
When he's got her pressed against the back door of a pub in Crocus, and his hot breath is wafting across her cheek, she concedes that Gildarts would probably hate him, too.
When his teeth graze across her pulse point, she hisses his name and curls her fingers against his chest, her nails grazing his skin gently. "H-How old are you?" she finds herself asking as he pulls on her sleeves to grant him access to her shoulder.
When he snorts with laughter against one of the kiss marks he's left on her and asks if she's a little girl or something, she's intensely surprised to find she's at a loss for words.
When he catches the expression in her widened eyes, his gaze softens fractionally, and an unreadable emotion flashes across his face before it's replaced with another devilish grin.
And when she stutters — yes, she fucking stutters — out an all-too-unconvincing "N-No," he just leans closer to her until their foreheads are touching. His fingers play patterns across her bare waist with the touch of a ghost.
And he whispers against her lips, with a challenge in his hooded eyes, to prove it.
.
.

FIN

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/10426623/1/dolensia

old: Wish Upon A Kiss

"Happy New Years!"
The sound of glass rims clinking together filled the room, before everyone burst into joyful laughter. I grinned over the top of my coke, taking in the merry atmosphere and loving the feeling of freedom that overcame me.
"Hey, Sammie!"
My eyes snap to Dan; he's making his way through the crowd of family and friends towards me.
He's got a huge grin on his face, which I can't help but return.
"Dan," I laugh. "I thought Dad said not to drink any of the wine."
He throws his head back and laughs, his curly brown hair tipping back to his neck.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him," he smiles. "We can't all be perfect, can we?"
He then winks at me; rolling my eyes, I give him a playful punch on the shoulder.
"Obeying the law doesn't mean perfection, you felon," I tease him playfully.
He snorts. "Whatever, sis. Where's Heather?"
He throws a quick glance round our well lit living room, before returning his gaze to me. I shrugged, and gave a quick glance round the room.
"Maybe she went into the kitchen. I think I heard saying something abuot grabbing more paper cups." I chuckle. "She's such a house-wife."
It's his turn to roll his eyes, before turning to head towards the kitchen, already going after his girlfriend.
I smile at his retreating figure fondly.

Dan's only one year my elder, but he's always played the role of big bad brother so convincingly I sometimes forget he's only 15.
I take a seat near the wall, not really wanting to be in the middle of the room, where everyone's making jolly banter with each other, repeatedly checking their watches.
Counting the minutes down to midnight.
Sipping at my coke, I realise I've got the perfect view of the window from here. I grin; maybe I'll see the fireworks in the city centre!

"Sammie, darling, come here for a second, will you?" I hear Mum's voice call.
Quickly downing the rest of the coke, I try to weave through the crowd.
"Happy New Year, Sam," Aunt Sarah smiles at me as I pass her petite figure, before returning to her cheerful chat with Uncle Phil, her and mum's younger brother.
"You too," I reply with a smile, looking around for Mum. "Aunt Sarah, you haven't seen Mum, have you?"
"I think I saw her walk into the kitchen," Uncle Phil cuts in good-humouredly. "Probably stalking your brother and that poor girlfriend of his."
I burst into laughter, nodding. "Probably," I grin. "Thanks."
Giving Aunt Sarah a quick hug, I quickly go through the door beside me to the kitchen.

"Hey, Mum, were you calling me? I thought I hea- ?"
"Shh, Sammie, dear. Your brother's talking to Heather."
I roll my eyes, grabbing a stool and sitting down beside her at the ktichen table.
Mum's light brown hair, cut into a semi-stylish bob, is physically quivering with her excitement as she rests her chin on her hands, with her elbows on the cool granite table.
She's literally STARING at Dan, the poor guy.
I hide a smile, also bearing witness to his confession to Heather.
She's a beautiful girl. With her tan skin from that winter holiday in Greece a week ago, her sleek ebony hair tumbling down in soft waves to her lower back, her petite frame and deep blue eyes, the girl's got a lot going for her.

I then look over to Dan beside her. He's got his hands stuffed into the pockets of his light jeans, the sleeves of his button down shirt rolled up, with a loose Tee underneath.
He's stubbornly examining the floor like the answer to every question he has is etched into the tiles. I stifle a laugh when I realise he's blushing as Heather cluelessly rests her hand on his forearm.
"Mum," I hiss, "why are we staring at Dan? I mean, not that it isn't utterly invigorating." I snort.
"Because, he's with his first girlfriend, and it's adorable! Ah, where's my camera?"
I choke, before covering my mouth to hide my giggles.
"Here, borrow my phone," I grin, handing her the iPhone happily.
"Thanks, dear," she smiles, clicking on the camera app.

The loud click of the imaginary shutter going off alerts Dan of our presence. His eyes glance at us as he turns around, then turn to Heather, before looking back at us in a double take.
"Mum!" he cries. "Wha-? No, come on, that's not cool. BIoody heII, I can't have a moment alone, for God's sake!"
I can't hold it in anymore; I laugh so loud I'm sure the people in the living room can hear me loud and clear.
"Aw, sweetie," Mum cooes, jumping up from her chair to give Dan I great big hug.
"Awwww," I stick my tongue out at him.
I hear peals of laughter from Heather standing beside me.
"Cute!" she giggles at Dan, who's struggling like crazy from Mum's kiIIer grasp on him.
"Urgh, MUM!" He groans. "Gerr'off, Jesus Christ!"

"Your family's absolutely adorable," Heather smiles at me sweetly. I chuckle back.
"Aw, thanks, Heather. You should come round again, I'd be happy to show you pictures of Dan as a baby. Now THOSE are adorable," I tell her, raising my eyebrows wickedly.
"SAMMIE!" I hear Dan moan. "BIoody heII, you all are CRAZY!" He accentuated the last word by finally breaking free of Mum's chokehold embrace.
"My babies growing up," she sighs happily.
"Ah, they grow up so fast, don't they?" Heather giggles, playing along, to Dan's mortification.
"I wish, girl. Dan's still a total baby. He still can't sleep without the hall light on, poor guy," I wink at her, chuckling.
Behind me, I hear laughing, and I turn around to see Dad, Aunt Sarah and my two little cousins, Amy and Nigel.

"Really, Dan?" Amy, a ten year old devil, giggles. "Jeez, even I don't do THAT."
Dan's resisting the urge to bang his head on the cupboard beside him, I can tell. His face is bright read, brown eyes wide open in humiliated indignation.
"Aw, Dan!" Heather squeals. "Do you really?"
She's got her eyebrows raised, as if she's impressed. I'm liking her more by the minute.
"Heather, don't listen to them, they're all cra-"
"Crazy?" I interject. "N'aaww, we just love you, that's all, Danny-poo." I wipe a pretend tear away.
"I think he's had enough," Mum chuckles, and Dad's nodding along, grinning at his son.

"You think!?" he cries, his arms making motions around his head. "You're all- I mean, seriou- Just..- Ahh! I mean, Jesus. I'm going out to see the fireworks. Anything to get away from you guys!"
He makes for the kitchen door, pushing Heather in front of him. "Let's go, Heather."
She giggles. "It was lovely meeting you all! Especially you, Sam," she smiles at me over Dan's shoulder. He's trying his best to push her through the doorway, into the hallway. "We should totally meet u-"
"No!" Dan shouts. "Heather, come on!"
She bursts into laughter, as do I. "Bye, Heather," I grin, waving slightly.
"Bye bye, Danny-poo!" I coo to him, blowing him a kiss.
"Crazy blighters, bIoody crazy..." I hear him mumbling before they're out the front door.

"Awww.." Mum says thoughtfully. "She's very sweet. Dan's made a good choice."
"Couldn't really expect anyone else, after he's been pining after her for half a frickin' year," I snort amusedly.
Dad reaches for the plastic cups, and backs out the room. "I was just grabbing some more of these. Hey, Liz," he continues to Mum. "Me and Phil were talking, I think we have some fireworks in the garage from Guy Fox Night, d'you want us to set them up in the garden?"
I smile, and say, "Yeah, that'd be awesome!"

“That's a brilliant idea, Jeff," Aunt Sarah grins, and Mum nods. "I'll help you get them out, come on."
I follow them out into the living room, where everyone's still standing around and chatting. I roll my eyes.
"Grown ups. Boring much?"
Just then, I feel a vibrating in the back pocket of my jeans. I dig around for my phone, and press answer without checking the number.
"Hello?"
"Sammie! Hey, good, you answered, finally! Why didn't you answer my previous calls?"
My face relaxes into a fond smile. "Hey, Jess. Sorry, Mum had my phone. We were making Dan's life heII."
"Wha-?" I hear her start, before trailing off. "You know what? I don't even want to know. Hey, what's all that noise?"

With a laugh, I say, "Sorry, I'm at home, and the whole family's here. They're just setting up fireworks in the backyard, do you wanna come over?"
Jessica never misses an opportunity to be out and about.
"Nah, I'll pass. I'm actually in the centre of all fireworks, babe."
I blanch, standing up and walking out of the loud living room into the quieter hall. "You're kidding me."
"Nope," she says, popping the 'p'.

"You're in the city centre!?" I cry, a grin growing on my face. "Seriously? You got space?"
"My cousins were camping ¬out here to get a good view of the show, I'm with them. You coming or not?"
"HeII, yeah!" I crow, pumping the air with my fist. "That's awesome! Here, I'll just quickly ask the 'rents, call you back in a few."
"Time's a tickin', babe," she trills, before hanging up.
I take a moment to lean against the wall behind me, close my eyes and just smile. I seriously love that girl; I mean, she found space in London's city centre on New Years night.
THIS was why Jessica Darcy is my best friend. Because the girl's a fricking miracle.
My eyes snap open, and I rush to the garage.

I head out the back door of our kitchen into the garden, and walk along the stone pathway to the sid entrance for the garage. All along the back of our house are couples sucking face.
"Eurgh," I moan quietly. I mean, get a room in your own house, or something. I know I'm not leaning against there for a lil' while from now.
Tuning out the, uh, sound effects the lovebirds are making, I glance up while walking to see a cloudless night.
Now THAT'S unusual for London.
I grin happily; it's absolutely beautiful.

Like little fireflies stuck on that blue-ish black thing.
I chuckle to myself at the Lion King quote, before jogging the few steps to the garage door.
"Oh my God, it's roasting in here!" I groan, closing the door behind me. Dad turns around and smiles at me, while all I see of Mum is her jean-clad ass sticking up between countless card-board boxes.
"Hey, sweetie," she greets, still searching like crazy for the fireworks.
"You found them?" I ask Dad.

He shakes his head. "No, but they've got to be around here some place."
With that, he too turns and disturbs the resting place of the months of dust which litters our garage.
"Hey, Mum?" I say to her, trying to think of the perfect way to ask her about the city centre.
"Hmm?" she acknowledges, before coughing like crazy. "Jesus, it's dusty in here. Jeff, we really have to get this cleaned..."
He nods, and replies over his shoulder. "I think so, Liz. Did you keep the number of that cleaner you hired a few weeks ago?"

Rolling my eyes at them, I clear my throat loudly. "Mum!"
"Hmm," she nods, straightening up and brushing down her jeans, glancing around. "They've gotta be 'round here somewhe-."
"Right! Well, I'm off, call if you need anything, bye!" I let out quickly in one breath, backing for the door quickly.
Her eyes instantly snap to mine. Right, so THAT'S what it takes to get her attention.
"Where?"
"Just out, Mum. You know, the fireworks and all that," I sigh impatiently, checking my watch.
"Honey, we have fireworks here," she said, frowning. "No need to go out and waste time."
"Mum."
"What?" she said innocently, "it's true!"

"Jessica got some space in central London."
"So it'll be crowded and loud, I don't see that as an upside."
"And I REALLY wanna go," I reasoned.
She rolled her eyes, annoyed.
"Mum, I can't see why you're making such a big deal out of it," I moaned. "Please? It'll be fun, I won't be out late, I have my phone, you know everyone I'll be with. Please."
I could see her reasoning with Dad with her eyes, who had turned round to listen to the conversation.
"Well..." she wavered.
"I'll even take the camera, get some good photos for Gran," I added on. Mum never misses an opportunity to criticise our relationship with her mother.
"Alright, fine, fine!" she finally let on.
I let out a woop. Yes! Grinning, I sped for the door.
"Be home by nine!"
"Yeah, yeah," I called back over my shoulder.
2012, here I come.

You know, a girl never appreciates the art of multi-tasking until she's tried grabbing her purse, her mobile phone and a packet of gum falling from her back jeans pocket while running in the dark at night.
In unlaced converse hi-tops.
"Sht," I cursed under my breath, my feet tumbling over each other as I leapt for the gum.
Of all the things to dive for, I thought, irritated.
The street-lights cast a yellow shadow across the pavement, but I was still having trouble finding my purse and phone, having successfully found the oh-so-important gum.

t took about two seconds for me to trip over again; at least it was over my purse.
"Sht," I drew out, freaking out. Where the hell is my phone!?
The ringing helped, though.
The light coming from the screen gave an eerie glow to my hands as I reached for it; I could FEEL the scratches being etched onto my poor iPhone as it vibrated like heII on the rocky road.
Yum.
I snorted slightly, laughing at my inner joker as I caught sight of Jessica's face lighting up the screen.

“Hey, J-”

“You! Where are you!? You’re gonna miss it!” Her voice, electronic and muffled, shouted at me from the speaker, panicked. “Get your ass over here, will you?”

I started walking again, holding the phone to my ear with my right hand while trying to stuff my purse back into my pocket as I did so. “I’m just” - I paused as I bent down to grab the fallen gum – “coming.”

“That’s what your Mum said.”

“...”

I heard her snort at her own joke. “Sorry.”

“Really? I mean, seriously?” I chuckled. “Girls can’t make Mum jokes, you do get that, right?”

“Fine. That’s what your Dad said. Happy now?”

I rolled my eyes. Who cares if she couldn’t see me do it?

“I’m just gonna drop this subject before you make it any awkwarder.”

“Because awkwarder’s a word,” she scoffed.

I’d reached the busier city centre; there were a few people on the street now, and I could see from inside the windows that lit up from the warm lights inside that there were huge huddles of families, friends and whatever else. Even a few pubs seemed to be overflowing.

“Yes. Yes, it is,” I laughed into the receiver. “Hey, where abouts in the centre are you exactly?”

"Rather central."

"And here I was worried you were gonna be vague or something."
She giggled. "Near the parks. Come quick, yeah? It's almost eleven and I know you know that everyone knows not to-"
"Wait, what? Where? I'm confused."
"Just hurry, 'kay? Byeeeee!" her tin voice sqealed at me happily.
"What!?" I yelped. "No, don't you dare hang up on me. Where are you?"
"Sorry, it's just- I mean- There's a pretzel stand, and a hot guy's running it!" she whined needily; I could visualize the effortless pout that would no doubt be on her face right now.
"And a bunch of beepers are crowding him..."
"That's enough reason to leave me floundering?"
"I thought only turtles did that."
"Jess!"
She giggled again. "Sorry, sorry. Um, it's like, you know Ellie's?"
"Yeaaah..." I seethed quietly.
"Yeah, well, near the corner shop there, but you don't walk along the street. Instead, follow the walls, yeah? I mean, like, the pavement. The one leading off. 'Kay, well, love you, see you, hurry, 'kay, bye honey!"
"JESSI-"
The dial tone cut me off politely.

Count to ten, Sammie. Count to ten, and breathe.
I kept my eyes shut, resisting the urge to text some serious abuse at the btch I called my best friend.
Breathe.
I opened my eyes, cleared my throat and strode along the dark street confidently.
Semi-confidently.
I knew where I was, of course. Ellie's corner shop was just a few streets away, but really, what would I do when I reached there?
Follow some wall-y pavements, according to her.
Stupid Jess.
Unwrapping the headphones from my iPhone, I made up my mind to just go to Ellie's. At worst, I could just walk in and ask the cashier, right?