The Birth of Plot-Thread Graphs!

I'm not a novel-writer. I have written (or at least, tried to write) novels before. I've written long pieces with many chapters. But I am, in no way, a novelist.

But that's why I take part in NaNoWriMo in the first place — to become a novelist. To learn how to actually knuckle down, and write one of those mysterious long stories. And as a beginner, I'm really just feeling my way around with this one, trying to get a feel for what it is I'm doing and how it is I'm going to go about doing it. (Writing 50,000 words in 30 days, that is. Still figuring that one out, but I'll get back to you.)

And in the end, I did come up with one trick (or at least, this technique I'm about to talk about) that works for me, and that is plot-thread graphs.

Yes, you read right. Plot-thread graphs. Take a glance below, and I'll explain after you've looked for yourself. (And I'll apologise now for my abominable writing...)

A plot-thread graph depicting the MagiGames arc, which I consider to be the 'main' storyline in Carnegium.

Another separate but hopelessly intertwined (sub)plot is this one, the one I dub 'heartfilia/royal family conspiracy'.

This one depicts the reader/Fairy Tail relationship as the story goes on. Where it strengthens, when the reader becomes more invested, and when tensions are high.

Okay, now that you've actually seen what I'm talking about, i can explain to you what it is I'm talking about!

Plot-thread graphs are a way for you to see, on paper, how your novel is going to develop. You get all your different subplots and developments together (more about that later), and graph them all out (again, I'll elaborate soon) so that you can compare them, and see that your story does in fact come to a climatic solution where all the problems will either be tied up or left to quietly fester into the forseeable future, and give a little cooldown before finishing off.

There's a reason I've scanned them like I have. Take a closer look at the first two images (in the black and blue ink) — you can see another graph through the paper, and that's what I mean about being able to compare them. You can make sure the build-up is regular everywhere, while showing you at the same time what to write about when so you don't forget to include anything in. No-one wants to be scrambling back four chapters to add in a scene just to make what they're supposed to be writing now make sense.

Anyway, here's what I did. Get yourself blank sheets of paper (I got my hands on a blank jotter, just because it was convenient for me), and the pens I used were simple fineliners from WHSmith. Then I made a list of everything I want to graph. My list (so far) is:

• battles and the MagiGames plot (the main plot)
• the Heartfilia/royal family plot (intertwined with the main plot)
• the reader's relationship with Fairy Tail through the main character, a subplot of sorts
• the development of main character's power and character
• the romance between the main character (Lucy) and Natsu, the biggest subplot
• all the deaths, both to track and to show where tensions get high and how the theme of loss develops
• the Strauss siblings subplot, concerning secondary characters and their goals and obstacles
• the 'Natsu and Igneel' subplot, about his goals and how they develop and are met
• the Erza/Jellal subplot, concerning them and their past as well as other characters
• the Gray/Juvia subplot, deeply intertwined with the development of Fairy Tail
• the Gajeel/Levy subplot, helpful to the reader's understanding of the MagiGames themselves
• the Mirajane/Laxus subplot, important to Fairy Tail development

 See why I turned to graphs in the first place? My idea is a complicated one, and I like it that way because it makes for more enjoyable writing and (if done well) engaged reading, but I'd almost definitely get tangled in all of these plot-threads along the way. I've colour-coded them to emphasise that they all go in different graphs (which I also colour code, just 'cause I can).

Now let's talk about how you actually go about graphing all of this. Before we even think about putting pen to paper, let's get a few things straight: if you (like me) are doing this before writing a novel, the following rules are important.

1. This doesn't have to be perfect. Like, at aaaaall. I only knew what was going to happen up to a certain point, so I graphed all I could, and made up a vague ending on the spot to follow straight after. I'll almost definitely add more development between now and when I actually get to it in my writing, but for now, that sort of vague oh-it'll-all-work-out-somehow attitude is totally fine.
2. This doesn't have to be accurate. Try get the timelines roughly the same, but don't spend more than, like... three or four minutes on each graph. If that.
3. You should know that what you've drawn  is probably wrong. You'll get inspiration as you write, as you sleep, as you pour your morning cereal (or midnight cereal. I won't judge) and you'll want to constantly tweak things. Do so. If not on your graphs, then directly into your work. The graphs never have to know. *wink*
4. The most important thing is probably the timeline, so pay attention to it. At least, to me. I need to say how all the subplots work in contrast to each other. Which means plotting an event that is major to both plotlines on both graphs is a huge help (see 'Gray's death' on the first and third graphs).
5. Make stuff up. Seriously. If you don't know what's going to happen, don't leave a blank — fill it with drivel. You can work with drivel, either to polish up or delete and redo, but you can't work with a blank. Each little 'X' should either lead directly to another little 'X', or dip slightly in a calm moment (e.g. see 'training with FT' on the first graph) when nothing major happens except important development, and then lead directly to the patiently waiting next 'X'.

Okay. Now put pen to paper, and get your graphs drawn.

After you've got yourself a bunch of lovely plot-thread graphs just waiting to be scrunched up, sobbed over, burned, or all three, compare them. When there's a dip in one, is there a rise in tension in the other? Are there any moments that are dull all the time with every subplot? Does the build-up happen gradually/constantly (that is, at the same time) for all of them, or does one reach it's climax way before another and that plot-thread is left waiting for the others to catch up? Does everything crash together in the end? (Which, as chaotic as it sounds, is probably what you want.)

Comparing the graphs is key to using them to their full potential. Scribble ideas onto them, alter them, re-do them if you want to, but now you've got yourself a working set of plot-thread graphs, which is pretty much the map to your perfect novel, and the beginning of your career as a successful novelist.

I'll probably be using these with every multi-chapter story I write, now... Anyway, try it out for yourself and see what works for you! Obviously, everyone is different, and it might take some time to find what really gets you pumped up for writing the stories swimming around your head, but trust me, the trick is out there somewhere. It's up to you to find it (or, like in my case, make it up and hope it works out this time).


(I'll apologise now to anyone who's more than confused about the actual plotline of my story, Carnegium. It probably doesn't make much sense at all...) 
 

Countdown to Camp Nano'14

Nine hours until July for me. And that means nine hours of planning/waiting/enjoying freedom until nano starts. In the meantime, I found some cool resources through the NaNoWriMo websites that I've enjoyed reading.

Rainbow Rowell's advice (if I'm allowed to call it that?) was really helpful for me. The pep talk was totally relatable while managing to sound both encouraging and sincere. I know her nano 'story' even though I haven't actually read Fangirl (the novel she wrote during the month she participated) or any of her other books yet, and I think it what she had to say is definitely worth a read.

I also thought this character checklist was a really cute idea. I've never used anything like it, and I'm not sure I will for July either, for three simple reasons:

1. It's very extensive. Like, really really long. And I'm not sure I have time for that right now, and I don't want to waste important hours when I have inspiration filling out lists when I could be moving the plot forward and getting that wordcount up unless I have to...
2. ...and the thing is, I don't think I do have to. I haven't had a problem with characterisation before (although granted, I haven't worked on a properly long piece before and succeeded).
3. Carnegium is a piece of fandom writing (i.e. fanfiction) and I think the character list is better applied to original characters for original writing. Not that my own interpretation of the characters from the cannon couldn't be used for the list, but I think it might even be a bit counter-productive in this situation.

I also found this adorkable 'workbooks' on the Young Writer's Program nano website. I browsed through the high school one, and although it is clearly aimed at classes or writing groups (with little assignments and stuff), some of the advice was interesting to read, and very relevant to me as well. Again, worth a look if you have nothing better to do. (...I didn't make that sound too appealing. Whoops.)

I'm also using the Cabin feature on the Camp Nano website this time. I was in a cabin last year as well, but it it was very inactive and I think I ended up leaving it anyway. This year, I have one of my close friends, Kami, doing nano with me. I'm really excited about having a friend to rant with and cry with and go crazy with this year! Last year, another good friend of mine, Evie, was doing nano with me, and although we didn't correspond as much as I thought we would have, it made the whole experience even better. I look forward to seeing how writing with Kami will turn out!

My biggest worry (other than, you know... trying to write a 50,000 word novel in the span of thirty days) is how that's going to work out with my fasting. Ramadan falls smackbang on top of July, and the fasts are so long this year (20 hours in Scotland -- why do I have to live so far north? *sob sob*). I don't know if that will affect my writing, but I'm sure it will, and I have no idea how. Here's to hoping I'll end up turning to writing as a distraction or something...

Knowing me and my habits, I'll end up doing most (if not all) of my writing in the middle of the night. I don't have access to a laptop (woe is me, woe is me) but the household disonaur desktop is a bit out of the way, so I'm sure the 'workspace' will be fine.

Also, the more I think about it, the more I'm attracted to my idea of tweaking nano to fit my habits. I'm a very sporadic writer, and although I won't have the luxury of going on week-long lazybreaks, I think I could still factor in some flexibility. Yes, you've probably guessed it... I'm talking about drabbles. Man, I love drabbles. I could go on a long-winded spiel about why drabbles are the best (both for readers and writers) but I'll spare you (for now). Anyway, I don't want to stop myself from writing drabbles during July, especially when the creative juices are flowing, so maybe I'll factor any drabbles I write into the wordcount as long as they're for Fairy Tail. I'm not sure yet though. Just an idea.

Ramadan in summer means you're going to be spending most of your time in the house. And while that does cross out any plans for beaches and shopping sprees and slushees at the skatepark (I never go the skatepark, I don't know why I wrote that...), it does give you a lot of time at home to do stuff. And yes, while I'd love to (and do plan to) dedicate good time to memorising new d'uas and prayers, and reading the Holy Qur'an, I won't spend the whole day (or even nearly the whole day) doing that. Finding time won't be an issue this July. Finding convenient times is a whole other story, but that's the same for everyone, probably.

I won't be posting up any of carnegium on this blog during July because I have plans to go back and edit it through, draft it properly (or.. you know, as much as I can be bothered) and then uploading it. But I might spend some cool-down time fixing drabbles to upload, if I do write any, so... We'll see!

CampNano — July 2014

Camp NaNoWriMo starts again this July, and I plan on participating again.

I took part last year, and I wrote most of Fairies, Misfits and Little Brats during that time. I stayed traditional, keeping a wordcount of 50,000 words. And I was a winner, having written about 54,000 words by the end of it. However, despite that success, I do think of it with a bit of trepadition and resentment, because at that time the memory on the computer I was using wiped. It just blanked, and I lost about 20,000 words. I haven't really recovered since that, but I have changed the plans around and I do want to write more for the fic when I manage to find the motivation, inspiration and time to do so.

This year, it's not really very surprising to hear that I will be, once again, writing a fairy tail fanfic. It just seems I've lost the ability — or rather, the will — to write anything considerably long that isn't related to fairy tail in some way, or isn't at least fanfiction. At this moment in time, I just get more enjoyment out of it. And there's no reason for me to stop doing that, after all. I'm not super-duper scarily serious about writing (like some peope...) and I don't mind not improving every time I write, as long as I actually enjoy the time I spend doing so. It's a hobby for me, and yeah, while it would be nice to be a paid author in the future, right now...? There is no reason for me to take writing so seriously. So yeah, I'm going to stick with writing fanfiction.

Initially, I was planning to just continue writing more of Fairies, Misfits and Little Brats, but as July comes closer, I'm realising that I actually would really rather not. It's passed the stage of first draft splurdge that NaNoWriMo demands, and I don't think I'd be able to stick with it, either. It takes more planning, more time, more care, and definitely more delicacy as far as I'm concerned in writing a fic I care so much about. So while FMLB is my baby and I love it with all my heart, I shall be happily neglecting it come July to take on a new project.

And I have so many ideas for different multichap fics that I could pick up and write during CampNano, but there's one there's only one that I couldn't not do. And that is my new side project, Carnegium. It's a story with a lot of dark themes, definitely much darker and more morbid than anything I've tried before. It's a total experiment for me, but unlike all my other ideas, which I do love but am happy to leave on the side-bench for now, carnegium really demands to be written. And it's very much in the early stages; I don't really know the plot, or all the characters, or what's really even going to happen — I just have little ideas of scenes, and a big overview of the world, and a general road for where and how the story is going to travel. I'm so excited about it, and I really love it, and unlike so many of my other stories, I'm not scared of screwing up with this one. Which I think it absolutely crucial for succeeding in meeting a wordcount for Nano.

So we'll see how that goes during the month of July. I'm equal parts excited and worried, I think, but I'm sure it's going to be good.

I'm not entirely sure how it's actually going to happen though, if I'm honest. I'll be fasting during most of July, so I'll be writing on an empty stomach, which you would think woudl be a bad idea... except I'll probably want something to distract myself, and that sort of bad mood is theoretically perfect for the type of story that carnegium* is shaping itself out to be. It's a dark, angry, gritty sort of story, and well... I don't know, we'll see how it works out. As for timing and inspiration... Well, inspiration is a non-subject. Whether I've got it or not, I'm going to have to write. And timing wise; I'll be on my summer vacation, so finding the time really won't be hard. It's all about motivation for Nano, and I'm definitely ready for the challenge. Or... Okay, I wouldn't say ready, but who cares, I'm going for it anyway. That sort of ready.

Bring it on.

*I can't decide whether I want to capitalise the first letter of carnegium/Carnegium or not. /sigh

the cusp of freedom

I am torn between hating humanity and people and everything that society stands for, and loving what humans quintessentially are.

Usually, the world to me is full of colour; trees, and words, and the wind, and gravestones and gutters and pillars and rivers and boats and stars. They're all vibrant. Shouting with colour. They're unique and inspiring and beautiful and it makes youw ant to never stop moving. To never stop looking around you as fast as you can, in a rush, never stopping, never breathing, just taking it all in because there is so much and you are so little.
Sometimes, the world is a hub of activity and vitality. It is alive.
And it is the people, and the stupidity and carelessness and uselessness and irrelevance of people — of wars and actions and emotions and stories and bitten lips and salaries and holidays and fingers — that dim the colour. That mask the shine
Yes, it is humanity and myself that are the stain that you must ignore, that you must pretend not to see and look through to truly appreciate the world. To appreciate what 'life' should giv eyou. Or what you should take from it. Not sure.

And then, there are days like today.
Or... there is now. And ther ewill be tomorrow.
There are days when life is grey, and colourless, because it's all just the same, and it is you and me and pain and love and death and tears and laughter that are the paint on the canvas.

It is the change in your motions as you go from child to victim to killer to spectator to the hero of your tale —— that serves as beauty. Or... it becomes the only thing that matters.

I am torn between hating, and loving.
I do both. I understand neither.

 But after learning that against a background as busy and plain and distracting and ignorable as what is, the only thing that stands out to me as important — as important — are people. That is what matters. I care not for the redness of a leaf if there is someone beside to watch it fall.

And now, with hindsight, I wonder if an underlying obsession with the fragility of emotion is what allowed— enabled me... to try, for a bit, to ignore it.

There is a thin line between love and hate.


(nonsensical prose brought about after reading The Nietzsche Classes.)

" Said "

When I was younger, my teacher taught me that replacing the word 'said' with something more interesting would take my writing further. In a lot of my work so far, you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who simply said something. They're always exclaiming, inquiring, asking, noting, grunting, smirking, mumbling, murmuring, laughing, shouting, groaning, moaning, scoffing... but never simply saying.

Granted, I do what not many writers do; that is, predominantly write in the present tense. So rather than a character who 'said' something, I'll have characters who 'say' things. But even then, they don't just say. They say slowly, or quietly, or hesitantly, or mysteriously, or furiously, or suddenly — the list of adjectives is inexhaustible, and perhaps it is therein that the problem lies.

I believe that you can over-describe. And I know that right now, it is one of my greatest weaknesses when it comes to writing. It always has been, as well. Even as a kid, I'd get pulled up for going into far too much detail describing how creepy a forest was and not proceeding with the plot of whatever Halloween story we were supposed to be writing. And the thing is, you don't even know you're over-describing when you're doing it. It's so hard to pick yourself up for it, because it comes naturally, and it feels like if you make a concious effort not to do that, everything sounds over-simplified or stilted, as if someone five years younger than you is sitting in front of the paper.

But when I was re-reading something I wrote quite recently (so, within the last year), I find myself getting frustrated because — as nice as it is to have lots of description and get a real sense of how everything looks and the actions everyone makes and the feelings behind those actions, etc. etc. — the plot suffers, and more importantly, the pace suffers. That's not to say that plot is more important that than pace, but there are other ways to keep a good story. But if too many words are spent describing what's going on, the deliverance of the story —how the reader learns it — is compromised. And that's a very big sacrifice to make, even more so when it's not necessary at all.

The other main problem with this phobia of 'said' is that you lose impact. When everything is said in a certain way, when you really want to stress that aspect of a scene, it becomes near impossible to do so. More is less in this case, and if you keep describing everything so fully, I think the reader becomes a bit desensitized to it all. Or (worse case scenario), they just stop caring because it takes so damn long just to read on.

Avoiding 'said' doesn't just slow down the reader. It slows the writer down as well. I already have so much trouble with my inner editor; being slowed down even more is catastrophic when I'm trying to keep up a certain pace, or working on a longer piece, or — and this is what I always find myself dealing with — trying to write chapters in continuity. Because each chapter takes so long, and I'm trying to create this level of writing that, at the time, feels good, it's easy to lose motivation and... I wouldn't say interest, but more... drive? It's hard to keep doing that. And it makes trying to edit things a nightmare (even though I don't really edit stuff to begin with) because I spend so long just writing it and trying to make the first draft the final draft.

Anyway, after considering all this, it just makes sense for me to try face my fears and re-accept the word 'said' back into my life. You can't build a castle without strong foundations, right?

Allergic to Editing...?

Is it bad that I like to not draft things?

I don't mean I want to leave something all horrible and messy and grammatically incorrect, with spelling mistakes and all of that mechanical stuff. I mean the story itself. Like, what the characters say and feel, and how the plot progresses - that kind of stuff. I always end up feeling like unless I leave it untouched, it's not a true piece from me.

Which is, you know, completely not the case, because drafting tends to make things better and more readable. But it's torture for me. Because when I'm writing something, I'm in that story, with that voice and those thoughts in that place, and if I ever go back to edit something about the story itself, I can't, because I have trouble getting to that place again. What I try to add in doesn't fit; it sounds awkward, and alien.

Which is why, quite often, I'll just leave things as they are. If I've finished writing a piece, I'll sign it off and leave it alone, because there's nothing more that I could add to it that would help it be more of what it is. I could always change it, perhaps improve the quality and make it better for a reader, but then it wouldn't be what it was. And it wouldn't be what I had wanted it to be in that moment when I was writing it.

Perhaps I'm just really over-analysing this whole thing. I probably am. But that's my reasoning. (& how I comfort myself when I get harsh feedback, but let's not go there.)

Experimenting and Exploring (aka Patience)

A weird thing I sometimes like to do when I'm writing blog posts in particular is sit in front of a mirror while I'm typing, and talk aloud to myself as if I was talking to someone else. It makes it a lot easier to get my thoughts out (and for them to actually make sense when they hit the page).

And often, I don't even look at the computer screen (thank you, touch-typing class!) while I write as well, because it can distract me, or intimidate me, or make me re-think every word I've written. And that leads to counter-productive progress where I think I'm making the post better by re-editing the same sentence over and over,when really, all I'm doing is wasting time. Because yeah, it is important that it sounds good, but is' more important that I get it out, and finish the thing. I mean, I can always go back to it later.

I don't know if I ever do this when I'm actually writing fiction. But I imagine I must - or at least, if I don't, I'll start doing it now. Because it does help. It helps with the first stage of writing - what I often, if not always, find to be the hardest stage of writing anything; the first draft. Getting it all out without editing or fixing or even worrying about how it sounds or reads or looks. You just need to get it out on the paper, you know?

I've tried a lot of things to make that first stage easier. I've tried the obvious, which is to just write it out and hope that my inner-editor will shut up for a bit. That doesn't often work, which is annoying. Then I've tried things like prompts, but I end up trying to plan the whole thing (even though I'm mostly a pantser?) and it just ends up stressing me out, and I can't write any of it because I'm worried it won't with the rest of the piece, and stupid things like that. I've tried timing myself when I write, or setting up a count-down, but again, that freaks the hell out of me, and I end up writing nothing, or a load of absolutely useless drivel. (And grammar often goes to pot in that situation as well.)

But slowly, over time, as I've tried all of these things, I have learned a lot of things about myself, and about how I write. I've learned that I like to describe everything - expressions, feelings, surroundings, the passage of time; and that's not always a good thing (actually, most of the time, it's a bad thing...) but I know that in a first draft, if I end up going off on a tangent about description, it's okay, because that's normal. I've also leaned that I like to write in slightly conversational way. And that might be partly because I talk aloud (although, if I think about it, it's more likely the reason talk aloud when I write).

It's weird things like that that you could never really pick up from external advice, but you just kind of learn about yourself as you write more and experiment more, and play around with words and stories and characters and setting and plot and dynamic, and all of that fun stuff.

And I know that, as time goes on and my writing style develops, as I write more stories, I'm going to keep learning about this weird quirks. Things that help me write, things that I like to do, things that I always do and shouldn't, words I over-use, habits I should get rid of or develop, phrases I should know - all of that comes with time, and with practice, and with writing.

So if you don't know what works for you, then wait. Because it will. Be patient. But that's not me saying that I've learned everything about my writing either, of course. But I guess that's kind of the point, right? What fun is it to make up a story if you always know what you're going to say?

So have fun experimenting and exploring. And good luck!

Stop reading writing tips!

I think most young writers make this mistake at least once. I know I find myself doing it all the time unintentionally, and I end up telling myself off and running to find my notepad to make myself feel better about not writing.

 Stop reading writing tips, and go write.

As inspiring as it can be to read about how other people are going through the same troubles you are - about how they all also have to deal with writer's block and loss of inspiration or motivation, and not having enough time to write everything you want, and having to deal with harsh feedback, and trying to quell (or encourage) inner editors - that's probably not going to help nearly as much as you think it will. The more time you spend reading about writing and about how you should 'write every day' and how you shouldn't just 'write what you know', the less time you have to spend honing your craft and actually doing the writing that you love so much.

It's so easy to get distracted as well, and that's probably a big part of the problem. The internet holds host to tons of really helpful, useful, sensible blogs that give great advice on the ins and outs of writing a story or a blog post or an article - whatever you're looking fo, you're bound to find it somewhere out there. But there's nothing really wrong with looking up advice; if anything, a little will probably help you. And seeing other writers having to deal with the hurdles you do is probably going to end up really motivating you, and encouraging you not to give up.

A little goes a long way in this case, though. It's important - really important - that you don't allow yourself to fall into that safety blanket. If you're serious about writing, then reading a ton of tips probably isn't going to help. Let's look at a similar example: high jump. High jump takes a lot of skill, don't get me wrong - there are certain tips and pointers that'll probably really help you out. But that's not what's going to make you excel, or help you improve over time - that will only happen if you actually try high jump, and if you practice. That way, you learn the strength in your body, and you learn your limits, and you push them and yourself. You can probably get a little better after reading tips, but it's likely that after a certain point, it's not helping you anymore. It's distracting you. And that's exactly how it is with writing as well.

Just like a high-jumper will have to knuckle down and practice, so too will you, the writer. You can't go around telling yourself that you're actually being productive when you're just reading the same things over and over. You need to practice. You need to write.

So, yeah, I think it's actually a really good idea for you to browse the Internet's writing community. It's invaluable. But don't let it eat into your writing time, and don't let yourself stop writing because you want to do more 'research' about how to. The best tips and advice and tricks you could ever learn come from you yourself; you will learn as you write and make mistakes, and encounter blocks where you just can't write, and go through and edit your stuff - all of that comes to you whether or not you read tips on writing if you just knuckle down, and get to work.

So stop reading this post now, grab some paper, and getting scribbling.

but so sad...

source: viria.tumblr.com/post/7158481144/ive-been-looking-for-a-word-a-big-complicated

"I've been looking for a word. A big, complicated word... but so sad.
I've found it now."
                              "What word?"
                                                  "Alive... I'm alive."
                                                                             "Alive isn't sad."


                                                                                    "It's sad when it's over." 


(Doctor Who: s6e4 The Doctor's Wife)

What NOT to do for the future.

Have you ever stopped yourself from doing something because you were wary that in the future, you might regret it? If you have, STOP DOING THAT. Just throw those inhibitions to the to the wind, because they are not good for you, and they're stopping you from being as 'free' as you should be.
And indeed, you should be free to do what you want to do. 

Digging a little deeper.

What use is writing when you can't show how you feel? What is the value of a writer who doesn't know the words to reveal themselves to the reader?
What's the point of writing if you don't know how to dig a little deeper?

Maybe I'm just scared to write it down. Maybe I'm scared, because I don't know what I'll end up saying if I open that door. That's the truth — I have no idea how to write down my darkest, deepest secrets because honestly, I don't even know what they are. And where can I find the confidence to show someone sides of me that I myself am not familiar with? How can anyone bear to bare themselves like that?

New Year, new... what?

I could go on and on about just how much I learned from all the crap 2013 had to throw at me. But I don't think reflection is going to get me where I want to go.

Looking forward is.

There is so much I want to do this year; so much I want to accomplish, so much I want to change or experience or learn. Actually, the list is too long to fit into 365 days. And it's not that I want to do these things so I can say I've done them, but more so that I can always have something to look forward to — something to always work towards.

And I know that that is what is also going to be my biggest challenge. I need to work. Work hard. Give it my all and do things I don't wanna do because I have to. I guess what I really need to do is grow up.
Asap.

the blank sheet of the next year

It's the wariness you have right before you write something in a brand new notebook. It's that feeling you get - that tingling - right before you jump from somewhere very high.

"You shouldn't do this. This could go wrong. But go for it anyway.
You want this, and you need this."

Because I do find blank sheets of paper intimidating. I'm really scared of the next year. 2014 feels like it came too soon. But in reality, I know that I've just been too late in preparing for the transition.

blank paper by ~Amenah on deviantART

"it's not the end"

Do you ever get up in the middle of the night (or, having stayed up, have a sudden brainstorm) and feel like you have to carry through with whatever idea or project you've suddenly thought of?

Well, that's what I did.

I kept humming Avril Lavigne's Hello Heartache, and that, coupled with the weird 'you must create' atmosphere of 2am, resulted in this:

it's not the end by ~Amenah on deviantART  

I call it "it's not the end". Make of it what you will.

(it took a little over an hour total.

 pencil, watercolour, inkpens.
29th December 2013.)